slightly off track

I'm going to work on being more positive. There are many things that stress me out about home, work, money and my relationship with the boy, but for the most part they are all just little things that in the span of a week fade away.

I've kept myself pretty secluded the past week and I think I'm in my socially awkward phase again. I go through phases and I don't know exactly when one begins or the other ends but I usually get the light bulb in the middle. I've come to find there is nothing that can be done when I am in my socially awkward phase. I can't force myself to be a social butterfly and the life of the party, it's something that comes to me naturally when everything is right.

I've been neglecting this blog and I'm really sorry for that. Mostly to myself. I just feel really uninspired and definitely not creative or talented at the moment. That's another part of the socially awkward stage, I also become really self conscious about everything. I start to question why people like me and if anything I do is exceptionally good.

During these times I need to hear that I'm pretty/smart/fun/charming. I can fake it and say I am those things but inside I hope that people don't laugh or say yeah right. These are vulnerable times.

I think sometimes I confuse my poor friends and aquaintances because I'll see them one time and I'll be chatty and all over the place and then they'll see me a month later and I'll be a homebody not wanting to leave the house for long, not wanting to do anything or run into anyone. If I do see people I knew from a while back I won't go and ask them where I know them from where as when I'm not in this phase I would. I feel like what normal people combine into a constant people face I split in two.

That would make sense for me though. I am an all or nothing kind of person. It's not on purpose or by choice, that's just how I've been. When I get into something it's with everything I have for a couple of months at least. That's how it was when I went vegetarian. I was all aboard the veggie train, no looking back, no questions, no sadness over not being able to eat meat anymore. Now if I have any challenges for myself I fall flat within two days.

Where is the motivation that is like a locomotive on a nonstop trip? Where does that part of me go?

I think I need to go back to counseling just to get some mental issues re-straightened. It's like I took my mental retainer off too soon and things are slowly shifting back to their old, not so great spots. It's not a total loss, I've definitely had some progression that has stuck over the years, but a little help couldn't hurt.