Photo credit

This is me today... besides the fact that I am a Miss. Here's why:

1) woke up to formspring question... it was an ad

2) getting ready got work email... I effed up

3) get to work, everything is chaos for two projects

4) I want to sleep

So there's that. Now where's the restart button?

Airplanes in the Night Sky

Not only is Hayley Williams in this fine, fine video but the instax mini makes a debut in it as well. The music view is really well done. I like how they incorporated the instant pictures.

Watch!

The Fair

Photo Credit: Mine all mine

Yesterday I took the boy to the fair to have one more fun date before he moves to Seattle. I have to say I have not enjoyed the fair this much in a really long time. We looked at all of the exhibits, walked through the different shops, saw all of the livestock (cute, smelly and sad because they are going to be eaten...) almost stuck around for a pig race but missed it because we were drawing on little cards in the art exhibit.

We went over to kiddie land and I took a bunch of pictures, then we went back to grown up land and I took more pictures. The fair is such an amazing place to take pictures. I feel like the pictures create a place so much more magical than the San Diego Fair really is.

When I was younger the fair had so much promise. I imagined finding a boyfriend part way through the day and going on the ferris wheel with him.

These days I know not to look for a boy at the fair and this time, for the first time EVER I had one. We went on the ferris wheel and I took billions of pictures with my 20 different cameras and threw a kiss in now and then.

It was a really, really good date. I didn't spend THAT much money. Paid for parking, bought discount tickets from Albertson's, only bought enough tickets to ride the ferris wheel, and just walked around. I'm usually so spend spend spend but I'm trying REALLY hard to get better.

Before I get off track into money land I would just like to end this and say yesterday was worth everything. I shot some amazing pictures with my polaroid if nothing else and I got to spend quality time with my boyfriend at a fair. Something I've been wanting to be able to say for YEARS.

So yeah it's a bummer that he's moving, and yeah I'm going to be single again but I'm proud of myself for making the most of this time and trying to have as much fun as possible instead of giving up because it hurts.

Reading The Happiness Project during an emotional time is also really good for me.

WeHeartIt

Twitter: @DitaVonTeese

Sometimes I just wanna look like these ladies. Well these ladies and some others. I can't ever just choose one though so I guess it's good that I am as I am. I wouldn't give up the color of my hair for anything. That much I know for sure.

I've started reading The Happiness Project which I consider to be one of my two "self help" books on my 25 before 25 list.

I find myself going to bed really happy and positive when I read it and then waking up happy too but then the day comes in and the positivity fades (sometimes real fast) and I'm left feeling self conscious.

Today for instance, I got a call that my pictures were ready. I was a tad confused because when I had gone in before they had said my film was blank. Turns out they had kept my roll from the very first time I used the Holga. There was another roll waiting for me probably minutes after I left CVS this weekend thinking that I had misloaded yet another roll.

Needless to say I was really excited and left for lunch a tad early to go see what had come from my Holga this time.

I opened the little envelope and flipped through the pictures and found myself feeling really disappointed. There were a couple that might work with some cropping but there were none that really stood out to me. It looked like a 10 year old took a camera and had some fun. Well, it looked very similar to when I was 10 and started using my first camera. Definitely amateur.

I shouldn't be disappointed in myself considering I have had no formal training and the Holga is still really new to me but I have a hard time being bad at things that I love. I know I had some awesome ideas in mind when I took the 24 exposures. I know I wanted to see something wonderful and instead I got a roll of mediocre.

This perceived failure definitely put a gray cloud over my mood for a while. I guess if I take some lessons from what I'm reading however, I could see that this had room still to make me happy. I felt good taking the pictures, I felt creative and excited for what might come out. I spent more time looking at my common surroundings. All of these things are positive.

I'm just trying to make myself feel better right now because I don't want to be a bad photographer. Unlike drawing, painting, dancing and music I'm going to stick with this.

Why? Because regardless of if the negatives create ugly photos I still love the thrill of the find, and the excitement when the shutter clicks.

So here's to trying not to be a perfectionist and be a little more positive.

slightly off track

I'm going to work on being more positive. There are many things that stress me out about home, work, money and my relationship with the boy, but for the most part they are all just little things that in the span of a week fade away.

I've kept myself pretty secluded the past week and I think I'm in my socially awkward phase again. I go through phases and I don't know exactly when one begins or the other ends but I usually get the light bulb in the middle. I've come to find there is nothing that can be done when I am in my socially awkward phase. I can't force myself to be a social butterfly and the life of the party, it's something that comes to me naturally when everything is right.

I've been neglecting this blog and I'm really sorry for that. Mostly to myself. I just feel really uninspired and definitely not creative or talented at the moment. That's another part of the socially awkward stage, I also become really self conscious about everything. I start to question why people like me and if anything I do is exceptionally good.

During these times I need to hear that I'm pretty/smart/fun/charming. I can fake it and say I am those things but inside I hope that people don't laugh or say yeah right. These are vulnerable times.

I think sometimes I confuse my poor friends and aquaintances because I'll see them one time and I'll be chatty and all over the place and then they'll see me a month later and I'll be a homebody not wanting to leave the house for long, not wanting to do anything or run into anyone. If I do see people I knew from a while back I won't go and ask them where I know them from where as when I'm not in this phase I would. I feel like what normal people combine into a constant people face I split in two.

That would make sense for me though. I am an all or nothing kind of person. It's not on purpose or by choice, that's just how I've been. When I get into something it's with everything I have for a couple of months at least. That's how it was when I went vegetarian. I was all aboard the veggie train, no looking back, no questions, no sadness over not being able to eat meat anymore. Now if I have any challenges for myself I fall flat within two days.

Where is the motivation that is like a locomotive on a nonstop trip? Where does that part of me go?

I think I need to go back to counseling just to get some mental issues re-straightened. It's like I took my mental retainer off too soon and things are slowly shifting back to their old, not so great spots. It's not a total loss, I've definitely had some progression that has stuck over the years, but a little help couldn't hurt.

Best Email Ever

Just about every day I find images from WeHeartIt or something of the like to send a coworker. She loves kitties and unicorns and other things cute. So this morning I received an email from her (she likes to send things my way too, just she has less time to look) and these are the pictures that were in it:

Exceptional way to start the day!

I want I want I want!!!

This pretty little piece by Skunkboy Creatures. Ms. Katie you are ever so talented and wonderful!



I want these shoes from Tom's. I wanted regular Tom's but these are even better! I've wanted some wedges lately too, perfect for summer.

and last but not least and only last because I am trying to stay busy and productive at work:



A Holgawood Holga 120. Sounds redundant. Don't know how to describe it any other way. Can't decide which color I want either. Dilemma.
Picture found here.