I try to find something to love in everyone even if it's something small

Chloe

I'll start by saying this was quite a scandalous role for the typically sweet and innocent seeming Amanda Seyfried. And wow, that was an understatement. From adulteress to child and back again in sixty seconds, that girl can change emotions fast.

This movie took a couple of unexpected turns to say the least. That's all I'm going to say thought. That and I liked it. Oh, AND I'm going to need to watch or read something completely easy and happy now.

I liked the jacket that Chloe wears over and over again in the movie, and the way her hair falls. I like Chloe's makeup and Julianne Moore is just gorgeous and as a side not would pass for Lindsay Lohan's mother no problem. She'd probably be a more sane one as well. Maybe LiLo wouldn't be in jail? But that is neither here nor there.

silly schoolgirls are always getting seduced by older men...

Found Here

The main character is so charming, it might be because of her accent, or her need to break into french randomly but something about her says "I'm smarter than sixteen."

Through the movie that is definitely questioned as well as the idea of education as a whole and where we learn more, in the real world or in a classroom.

An education indeed.

This movie has fantastic costumes and hair and make up. I love the look in this. Again, I may just be wooed by her accent, perfectly lined eyes and outfits, but who knows. Oh, it might also be that her acting was very believable. Such a contrast to the movie of last night.

I really like this whole redbox deal. $1.25 for a night of a movie. I can't get carried away and get too many because they charge me another dollar.

Tomorrow night is Chloe for sure. Amanda Seyfried is just gorgeous but I'm not sure she can play the more serious roll. Tomorrow night I will know.

goodnight for now.

Just a blogging kind of day

61 Impossibles

Note to self: dream of and believe in impossible things waaaay more often, like two to three times a day!

This morning

So today between looking for jobs and feeling a whole lot of lonely I've been taking pictures in the backyard. I first started this creative time looking for a gorgeous black widow I saw last night but unfortunately I was unable to find her today and so I was resigned to taking pictures of remaining webs as well as other yard things. I took some polaroids which ended up blurry (I have yet to get this lighting thing memorized) and then started my brand new IMPOSSIBLE Project PX-70 color film!!! I recently bought the starter pack for this new film they released which I am oh so excited about!

I took my first picture and immediately put it face down because it's way more sensitive than the older stuff was. I then decided to take the second picture directly into the film box so it wouldn't be exposed to outside light.

So far so good, there are interesting spots all over it which I am confused about, the picture is a hazy set of colors especially compared to the old stuff. It will be interesting to see how these work out!

Here are some pictures from the morning:

Found via WeHeartIt oh so long ago... if you know who to give credit to let me know!

I want to participate in another blog project. Someone start a book swap or something again! I know Valentine's Day is a little far off and such but maybe a welcome to Fall mail party? I would start one but I by no means have the reach that other blogs have to get people involved!

I feel so unconnected right now to people and friends and the whole beautiful blog scene and I don't like that one bit. I'm trying to post more, and keep things in line with who I am but I'm not sure what makes a successful blog. I want to be something that people want to read but maybe I haven't found my groove yet.

Either way, I want to meet new people via snail mail!

xoxo

Ms. White

The Last Song

Saw the movie and cried like a baby. Acting was of course sub-par but nevertheless I love love loved it. I liked it more than the book. There were a decent amount of discrepancies between the mediums but the main story line stayed in tact.

I don't care what anyone says I love Miley Cyrus. That girl has a voice that I enjoy and I cried right along with her when her character was upset in the movie. I can just hear C & R making fun of me for this but whatevs. :)

I caught myself being really pessimistic about finding a hunky, gorgeous, hot boyfriend that would be just a really great guy. I kept falling back to "too bad they don't exist." I really don't want to be that bitter. For the most part that's not how I am anymore, I'm keeping my eyes and heart open to possibility but I guess my gates aren't all the way open. There's no lock but there is a latch.

I'm just hoping that sooner than later I'll find something real good. Something better than what I thought was good before. Someone that gives me just as much as I give them.

Oh yeah, and even sooner than that I needs a job. Haha.

Must sleep to get ready for a productive Monday.

XOXO

I read a book

Today I read a book that I really disliked. Not enough to stop reading, I was definitely hoping for a happy ending, but one I was dissatisfied with at the end. I won't fully go into the story line or ending but I will say the main point of the book is questioning current trends in feminism and making a comment on how many idealists turn a blind eye to the discrepancies between their beliefs and actions.

I believe myself to be a feminist yes, but there are many feminists who would consider me a traitor and a liar. My beliefs are not anti-porn or women are better than men. My beliefs aren't going to fight to keep every woman in a CEO position if they want to stay home to take care of their babies. My feminism isn't bra burning or all men spurning, it just is. A definition of feminism is: the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes. Is that even possible? Could i take out the word equality and switch it for balance? That would be my definition. I believe women can do great things, I believe that women should be able to get to the top of the corporate ladder without everyone asking who she slept with to get there... I believe that women can be strong and talented and smart and some can be dumb and weak. But I also believe that men can be strong and talented and smart and others can be dumb and weak as well. I don't have clear black and white rules for my feminism (much less anything else I believe in).

I am strong, I am (or can be) independent (living with my mom right now, not so independent in that field), I am smart and funny and fun and I am a feminist and it burns my hide when my mom blanches at the idea of and would never dream of calling herself a feminist. It doesn't have to be as scary as some make it out to be. Or at least that's where I am at right now. But maybe I am wrong, maybe I should be donning some combat boots, putting on some armor, saying goodbye to make up, perfume and cute underthings and hitting the road.

I think what frustrates me the most with this book is everyone wanting the main character to pick and choose from her ideals and telling her it's a bad economy and something that wouldn't make her happy is a great opportunity so she should have taken it. It's too close to home. I get it, the economy isn't great but good lord should that make everyone say goodbye to what they believe and grasp onto anything they can because they are desperate?

I don't have any answers, just a continuously growing list of questions.

Pie the Way

Isn't this lady just foxy as can be.

Curves are hot

I found her while doing my bathing suit search. I much prefer the retro looking model body types to the sticks of recent years.

I need a job so I can spend my paycheck

Today in my crazy hours of job hunting I went into Anthropologie (yes I'm trying to apply there not just spend all of my money there) and I saw some lovely lovely dresses that I just feel in love with. Almost literally Fell... well, I was upright the whole time but only by a little (I was also very hungry by this point).

So here they are:

(1)

(2)

And then I came home much later after hours at the library and such and I started looking for retro nautical style bathing suits... my searches led me to even more cute things.

Not a swim suit but still frickin cute!

Oh sigh. All the pretty, pretty things. I need people to start biting my line in the job department. Heck! I could go for boys biting at my line for dates... either would be a nice treat.

Color My Parachute

Today marks the start of my new project (and side blog). I'm going to work my way through What Color Is My Parachute from beginning of the workbook to the end. Hopefully along the way I'll find some answers about my future and maybe some information about myself. I'm crossing my fingers. Even if I don't I'll be able to check off a task from my mental to-do list and I'll get to tell everybody about my kinda boring life along the way. Win-win.

If you're at all interested go here to see it: coloringmyparachute.blogspot.com

I'm going to need to look at how to make it prettier, this is definitely just the beginning but I'm excited.

Now off to watch some Season 2 of Desperate Housewives.

#14 & #15

Today has been perfect, absolutely perfect. I thought I was going to finish it off with reading magazines at Barnes and Noble but alas I was wrong. After B&N I went to the grocery store for dessert supplies:Ben and Jerry's chocolate fudge brownie ice cream

and

fresh raspberries

I came home, showered off then scooped a generous portion of ice cream into my bowl and put a half handful of raspberries on top. Then I ate it, pretty fast. :)

After I finished my dessert I thought I was going to call it a night, but I thought about this small art project I have been wanting to do the past few days and thought I would just outline it on some paper (amazing, thick, beautiful Crane paper... I'm not 100% sure about the thickness but I think it's 120#. Beauuuutiful!

It didn't stop at the outline, I very rarely stop when I start an outline. I should have known. I then decided I could take a sharpie to the rough sketch, then I wanted to paint the background... It's like the book When You Give a Mouse a Cookie... things just keep adding up. After I painted the background I wanted to fill in the letters, so I did. I tore pieces of pretty patterned paper and glued it to the piece...

Once done with one word I had to do another and another until the whole thing was done.

I decided adding the finishing touches wouldn't hurt so I did that too.

Here's how it came out:

Please excuse the poor lighting and the not so great shot of the piece, I am tired and have poor indoor lighting camera skills at the moment.

I'm so glad I did this, so glad I went and saw Eat Pray Love, so glad I went to Barnes and Noble and the library and the post office today. Today was so good.

AND, even better... I can cross something off of my 25 by 25 list! Well, I'm counting it in two sections because not only was this was both painting and collaging (which apparently isn't a word). So one of three down on #14: Make three collages and I now can cross off #15: paint a picture. Exciting? Definitely.

Lastly, while I was in my bathroom washing off my paint brushes and paint holder I was instantly struck with two more paint/collage ideas. I sketched them down right when I got back in my room.

Today was good, today was sooo good.

Goodnight moon. :)

p.s. This saying which is really sticking with my right now is not mine but I found it here and it looks like this:

New Rule

picture credit: mine all mine :)

Stop listening to the negative nelly that lives in my head. Sure there are many reasons I can't do something but there are tons more, or maybe even just one reason why I can. All I need is one idea that sticks, one path that is right for now. All I need is one person to be my life companion, all I need is one amazing job offer to start saving money AND loving life. Well, I'll continue working on loving life no matter if I have a job, a significant other or an idea but the other parts are very true.

Today I had a me day. I slept in, then did a couple of things for job searches via internet, then got ready slowly while doing more things on internet. When I left the house I went to the post office and ran into a woman that is moving to Nashville. Her mother in law was with her shipping things out and she had glowing review for the place. The woman in line in between us kept going on about how you have to sloooooow your pace down and you could tell that wasn't her kind of life but the woman who lives there was just so happy to call Nashville home. That got me excited again. After that I took myself to the bank and deposited a check then went over to the library to see about a scanner. Unfortunately they were all in use but I found some $1 fast reads in the Friends of the Library bookstore and THEN happened upon what looks to be an amazing, amazing book in the fiction section titled: In the Woman's Room. I read the forwards and just couldn't say no. I checked out the book, paid off my overdue fees and went over to the movie theater for a date with myself. I went and saw Eat Pray Love. I knew it was going to make me feel so inspired and pull up so many feelings of how I need to do something grand like the writer did and I was so right. Julia Roberts plays the part really well, I'm not at all upset by the casting. Delicious movie.

So that's how I came up with my new rule. I left the theater feeling so dreamy but this little nagging feeling kept coming up saying, "Of course you feel dreamy but you know this isn't going to change your life more than any other book or movie has. You always feel like this after a good book or film. Does anything ever happen, no." So that's when I told it and my parents' opinions to shut up.

I've been listening too long to things that people say to make themselves feel better when they are disappointed with their life. I've been listening way too long. I understand that ignorance isn't bliss and that reality does happen but for a little bit I'm going to live in my dream world and see what happens.

I'm going to sit back on the chaise lounge in my mind and take it all in. Yes I'm going to apply to jobs, yes I'm going to work, yes I'm going to continue being responsible. But I'm going to do so in a more relaxed state.

Life happens and I want to enjoy it.

Found here

Dear self,

Be nice please. I understand I've slacked a little (a lot) in job hunting, that I could be filling out more applications/sending more resumes per day but sometimes reality isn't what I want to face.

Please realize that I need a little encouragement from you. We both know that having people on the outside say that what we create is beautiful/creative/etc is wonderful and saying thank you is great but it would really be helpful if you could let me believe it for a second.

We've come to a crossroads here self. We're at the spot where we can continue on the same kind of path we've always gone through or we can pick of the machete that we've found and hack ourselves a new path. The second option of course sounds better, stronger, more noble and courageous but self I have to be honest with you, I won't be able to get through it if I don't get a little help.

We might get a couple miles into the new path but if all I get is criticism about how I could be doing better or cutting brush away faster then I'll just turn back around.

Self, I really, really, really need you to be in this with me. It's scary but it's worth it I think. We are not cut out for the "normal" life. We are definitely meant to do something different.

So can we call a truce? Can we hash out what we don't agree with, or what you feel I'm not up to par with and move forward? I'm going to need you to be breaking down barriers with me, not sinking your heals into the ground while I drag you behind.

I'm glad we had this talk self. It's really important from here on out that we get along for the most part.

Love,

Me

Take me to the carnival

I have been thinking a lot the past few days. That's what happens when you give me time off. I'm not sleeping as much as I use to when I had nothing to do. I've actually been some sort of productive which makes me happy. In fact, if I don't get at least one thing done towards getting a new job/figuring out school and career plans I sit at the computer until I have answered a craigslist ad. I don't let myself go to bed.

Today I allowed myself a little nap before I went over to hang out with my siblings (mom's side). I started the day feeding the animals, getting ready for the day, searching craigslist for postings to answer later, going to the temp agency, sending off a book I sold on half.com, getting a sandwich and reading in my car looking at the ocean. Then I took my much needed nap and then went over to the madre's house (which also happens to be where I live when I'm not house sitting for the padre). I walked in the door and started organizing and tidying up. I don't know what has gotten into me since I was younger but I cannot deal with unorganized mess. I started with the pantry then moved to the fridge which took a good amount of time. While I was doing this my lil bro was baking some lemon cupcakes which were delicious. Then I stopped for a minute to go on the computer but I made the mistake of going into a different room that I could organize. I then started going crazy on my sister's desk and finally my mom came in after I worked on the homework desk. I get into crazy cleaning modes where I just can't seem to stop organizing things. I want to throw out as much as possible and leave pretty, uncluttered places. I think it happens most when I don't have complete control over what is going on in my life and I need to somehow sort the thoughts going around in my head. If I organize the things around me maybe I can sort the muddled mess of ideas in my head.

I'm not sure that I figured anything else out in my head tonight but I was productive and sometimes that is all I can ask for. I helped my mom by making things a little cleaner and my lil sis was having a fun time watching (she thinks I'm a tad crazy and so she just laughs).

I don't think there is too much of importance in here but I'm doing my best to get in the habit of updating more often. The more I write the better I feel and I'm not only writing here, I'm writing in my journal. I didn't do that yesterday however and now I feel a tad guilty. I guess there's always tonight.

So sleepy.

A little help please

We Heart It

I have this feeling that my life is getting away from me. I'm going to be 25 my next birthday (which yes, I get it, is still a little over 6 months away) and I'm freaking out. That's my quarter century birthday. Quarter life crisis. I get it, I'm still young, still a baby, la la la blah blah blah... But I'm not. I'm a grown woman. Yes I still have many lessons to learn but I am a grown woman and I am still living with my mom trying to figure out what my next step is. I'm poorer than poor and I have no plan as to how to get out of it. I'm sitting here unemployed and pecking at random jobs on craigslist to make some money. Very few of the ones I apply to are even slightly close to something that kind of resembles what I want to do with my life.

I'm stalling and procrastinating. I feel like when I look to the future it's a black hole. Not a scary black hole but one I can't shine any light in. My mind has had a really hard time grasping the idea of the future for as long as I can remember.

There is some good news though, I do have some definite goals set down... 1) I want to live in Nashville 2) I want to become a photographer 3) I want to get some schooling/certification for photography 4) I want to go to Argentina again for at least a month 5) I want to be fluent in Spanish 6) I want to visit (and maybe live in) one of the Carolinas 7) I want to fall in love at least once 8) I want to fall in love and get married.

This is progress for sure. My future before looked like a scary black hole, now it's a black hole that has some scrambled gray in it... maybe I am finding some light.

When I think about my age my initial reaction is to panic. My heart clenches and my face grows serious and long. It's really hard to overcome that initial reaction. I'm so glad I have things I know I want to do but now comes another messy part, how do I do them. I can plan someone else's day or week or month or possibly even year beautifully but when it comes to mine, forget it past a day or a week. I have such strong mental blocks. I'm pretty sure it's fear that builds that wall I just don't know what to do to break it down.

My mind seems to have a switch off point, any time I start to pursue something I am interested in it shuts down. I all of a sudden don't know how to do or think about the simplest steps. My mind feels empty during times like these, like everything is locked away, or maybe that there are a bunch of locked doors that I am afraid will house empty rooms if I find the key.

What do you do when you come to a place where your brains first reaction is to shut down, bow out and turn away? We don't all handle things the same way but I'm always willing to hear a story of personal conflict resolution.

My New Favorite Show

I started watching this show yesterday. Pilot episode. I ended the show tonight with the season finale. Yes, I went through all of the episodes in about 24 hours while also sleeping, eating and taking care of the doggies as well as writing for a bit and gathering information for my next steps in life.

The show is actually amazing, it hooks you because it doesn't let you know very much. It's one big tease and it's infuriating and wonderful at the same time. The actors are surprisingly convincing for an abc family show.

I cannot wait until the next season starts, I might have to read the books instead.

Have you seen it? Did you enjoy it? Did you want the love that shouldn't happen to happen even though in real life you'd totally be against it? Me too. It's quite interesting to see how these tv shows can manipulate my black and white opinions into shades of gray. Veeery interesting.

This I Love

Katy Perry - New Music - More Music Videos

Wildly inspired to run free and go a little crazy when I listen to this song. The music video fits it perfectly. For once I saw a montage of driving along the coast when I listened to the song and then saw the same thing in the video.

I'll probably stop listening to the radio in about a week so that this song won't get played out for me.

Darn radio.

Mad Men, a first look

Vanity Fair

I love the style and seduction that the show girls of older times used. The slow way they would take off a glove, finger tip by finger tip. Absolutely gorgeous. I love the classic style, the curves, the simple things that women did to rile people up. It had to be a little more subtle, otherwise they wouldn't be considered even slightly classy.

I'm not impressed by the way kids are running around with plastic bags over their heads, being admonished for throwing the clothes on the floor. Then the pregnant woman smoking and drinking cup after cup of coffee while talking about a divorcee that moved in down the street and how it's going bring down the value of the houses.

This is only my first watch but I feel angry and intrigued at the same time.

Another bit of permanent body art inspiration

A Little Lark

I found this while shopping in a bookstore on the Haight in San Francisco (which I have yet to write about, bad me). I fell in love but had already spent waaaaay too much on a gorgeous dress (or two, maybe even three) and so I typed the website into my blackberry and saved it for another day.

endnote: I love accents, especially british ones

Found here

I just love this image. I would love to find a new love, or even a like. I'm also wearing shoes just like the girl is wearing but in black. The balloon is just so sweet! And matching plaid?! Oh man, cute cute cute.

Back on subject... Lazy Sunday? Not really but it has been pretty relaxing. I started the day in a bit of a rush. I'm house sitting (one of my favorite things to do) and today was my first day. I had to rush to give the little puppies (fully grown dogs) a chance to relieve themselves. After that I took my own time to do things that I've needed to do like laundry and getting all of my thrown together stuff.

As soon as I walked into my sisters room I started cleaning and organizing. She left for college early this morning and I didn't know what to do except straighten what she left behind. I've never been the one to stay in my family. I've always been the one to go. Not this time. This time I get to see what it feels like to see a sister go off to college and gain new life experiences. I'm so proud of her... so excited to see what she grows into and who she becomes. I'm so glad she decided to go out of state and try something different than Encinitas. I have a feeling the first month is going to be a bit rough for her, or maybe it's the second month after the initial excitement dies off, but either way I really hope she toughs it out and starts to figure out what she wants for herself in her life. I hope she takes the chances that I didn't, that she leaves college in four (or so) years with a good idea in mind of what she wants to do, at least the first thing that she wants to do. I also hope that in that four years I also figure out what I want to do and be in the middle of that project.

I'm currently job searching and it's a bit rough. I wanted to do something different this time. I want to follow something good and new and exciting, not just another job with no future in mind. One little problem... money and bills. I need money to pay bills. That gets in the way of taking my time to find a job I really, really want to do. Such is life though yes? I'll figure it out like everyone else has to :).

This week is full of things to do, little things, but things that have been grating on my mind none the less. I want to cook a bit more, especially when I have a kitchen all to myself. I started my cooking promise to myself tonight by making a garden burger with onions I cooked up in a frying pan (sauteed?) and some sweet potato fries with rosemary. then for dessert I whipped up a chocolate shake with raspberries. I was going to make a peanut butter chocolate shake but while looking in the freezer I saw the frozen raspberries and the mental light bulb flashed bright. It was such a good idea. Delicious.

I should probably get myself to sleep now. Fighting off a mild, but persistent cold.

Hope your life is going well!

p.s. I want to read Great Expectations! That's my next book after the 3 I am working on right now.