being a part of something bigger

This is what I did tonight, read a draft of a friend's novel. Her first. It's so very exciting and honestly I couldn't put it down! I read the whole thing in two parts tonight. I was suppose to go see Burlesque with S so I read several chapters before and left it on my pillow open to my place to return home to after the movie. I was sure I would get only halfway through at best. But we missed the movie and after some hangouts I came home and started reading again... I got caught up and I didn't stop until I finished it.

It's so exhilirating to get a chance to be a part of someone's big dream. I'm so stoked I get to be a part and when I was writing my first email of comments I was just so stoked to be able to get to talk to the author or a story I was reading for once. All my questions COULD be answered. To save her story she might not answer everything but just being able to get those questions out there was awesome.

I think I did so well with my communication major because I love collaboration, I love bouncing ideas off of other people and creating a work so great. This work is obviously all hers I'm just glad I get a sneak peak into the writer's mind.

Obviously I am going to say NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING about the story except how wonderful it is and how much fun I am having reading and sharing comments. I can't even imagine creating something like this... how do all of the details come together? I am just in awe really.

So that kicked out any Operation Holiday Cheer plans I had for tonight. I did buy some more holiday cards so I am going to start on that list either tomorrow or Saturday and get some out in the mail asap!

I also had to make a visit to the verizon store because last night without any real warning my phone (Blackberry Storm) decided to give me an Error message of death that would not be fixed. I switched back to my Blackberry Curve and did what I could have the texting issues I was having with it in the past. I'm definitely torn between the two phones. I do like touch screen but I also like the keyboard on the curve... I also am waiting for the iPhone to come to Verizon in January. One can only hope and cross fingers!

I got a call from insurance telling me how much I am getting back after they pay my poor, completely broken car off and it's more than I thought. Good news...

A gentleman friend that had been gone for a while in a distant land (no exaggeration) has come back into my life. I'm hesitant and open at the same time if that's even possible. We had really good times before but I'm also really hurt from the most recent male. He was no gentleman. He was an a-hole. But water under the bridge and what not? I guess.

Now it is my bedtime (really need to start going to bed at 12 at the latest) and so I shall sleep!

A little help please

We Heart It

I have this feeling that my life is getting away from me. I'm going to be 25 my next birthday (which yes, I get it, is still a little over 6 months away) and I'm freaking out. That's my quarter century birthday. Quarter life crisis. I get it, I'm still young, still a baby, la la la blah blah blah... But I'm not. I'm a grown woman. Yes I still have many lessons to learn but I am a grown woman and I am still living with my mom trying to figure out what my next step is. I'm poorer than poor and I have no plan as to how to get out of it. I'm sitting here unemployed and pecking at random jobs on craigslist to make some money. Very few of the ones I apply to are even slightly close to something that kind of resembles what I want to do with my life.

I'm stalling and procrastinating. I feel like when I look to the future it's a black hole. Not a scary black hole but one I can't shine any light in. My mind has had a really hard time grasping the idea of the future for as long as I can remember.

There is some good news though, I do have some definite goals set down... 1) I want to live in Nashville 2) I want to become a photographer 3) I want to get some schooling/certification for photography 4) I want to go to Argentina again for at least a month 5) I want to be fluent in Spanish 6) I want to visit (and maybe live in) one of the Carolinas 7) I want to fall in love at least once 8) I want to fall in love and get married.

This is progress for sure. My future before looked like a scary black hole, now it's a black hole that has some scrambled gray in it... maybe I am finding some light.

When I think about my age my initial reaction is to panic. My heart clenches and my face grows serious and long. It's really hard to overcome that initial reaction. I'm so glad I have things I know I want to do but now comes another messy part, how do I do them. I can plan someone else's day or week or month or possibly even year beautifully but when it comes to mine, forget it past a day or a week. I have such strong mental blocks. I'm pretty sure it's fear that builds that wall I just don't know what to do to break it down.

My mind seems to have a switch off point, any time I start to pursue something I am interested in it shuts down. I all of a sudden don't know how to do or think about the simplest steps. My mind feels empty during times like these, like everything is locked away, or maybe that there are a bunch of locked doors that I am afraid will house empty rooms if I find the key.

What do you do when you come to a place where your brains first reaction is to shut down, bow out and turn away? We don't all handle things the same way but I'm always willing to hear a story of personal conflict resolution.

Must have been the way...

Oh Taylor

This day has been long but it ended well. It started last night, when I came home to my roommates (who I'm not doing well with) drinking and watching the Simpsons. I pretty much have a newfound hatred for Futurama and The Simpsons because of these people. I just don't understand sitting together on a couch Friday night getting drunk and watching shows you could be watching during the week that are not even THAT funny. But that's a rant that I could talk about for a long time and I don't want to get negative.
The point is, looong story short, I wanted to go to bed and my roommates and some other friends were loud and obnoxious and I went to bed feeling a little off so I ended up not being able to sleep well and two hours after laying down with the lights out I had to go downstairs to ask them to turn the music down. I'm sure that made them like me even more. Oh well. So I went back upstairs, made myself eat half a banana because I think my stomach was feeling off because I was hungry. Then I tried to fall asleep. I managed to do just that for about an hour or so but then I woke up to the roommates going to sleep, drunkenly trying to get ready for bed. I woke up and anxiety attack ensued. I had to open my window wide, freeze myself to sanity and then eat the rest of my banana. I slept well after that but had to be up early (for a Saturday) to drop my car off at Toyota.
To my great surprise they gave me a rental car which was great even though I only used it to go straight home and get back into bed.
When I woke it was time to pick up my car, I did that and didn't know what else to do with myself. It was a lonely and depressed feeling day for reasons I couldn't quite pinpoint. I'm not sure if it was leftover emotions being thrown around my head from the night before or if it was the fact that I live in a house I don't ever want to go home to, or a job that drains my energy as soon as I walk in the door because I am trying hard to be grateful for the opportunity but I know deep down that it's not right for me.
Life is so short but so long at the same time. I'm coming up on my quarter century birthday next year and I want to be doing something that I am happy with. I want to be living my quarter life dream. I want my tattoo(s), I want a dog, I want a 1 bedroom apartment, I want to be living in Tennessee. I want to be off of medication, I want to be dancing. I want want want. Is this a lot to want? I want to be making a decent amount of money, an amount that won't have me living paycheck to paycheck and will cover my beautiful puppy's expenses as well as mine. I'm not asking for a lot of extremely luxurious things. Just a little life. I want to be in a town where people are raised to be respectful.

The movie was great. I got off topic. I apologize. Starting point being, I really enjoyed the movie and my dinner of popcorn and candy. I loved Taylor Swift's part in the movie because she's just so obnoxious but so frickin adorable in general. She breaks it down pretty good. I just laughed... out loud just a bit remember the scene.

Did you see it? I understand it's not anywhere up to the level of Love Actually but it's still pretty fantastic. Personal, humble opinion.

<3

This has been me lately

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I do know some of my wants I guess. An apartment/studio in a state that's not California, in a place that knows seasons. A job that leaves me questioning and wanting to learn more. A job that I'm happy to tell friends "I can't, I have to work" when they ask me to do something. I want to live in a place with accents, accents that I can hear. Apparently we have accents here but they're lost on me.
I want this:

and this:

and this:

and maybe some of this:


I want something new and exciting that lasts. New friends, new views, new vintage/resale stores, new projects, new spaces, new stuff. New, fun, stuff.

All images courtesy of we heart it users. I wish I had kept better track of these. I apologize.

My Heart Aches, 43 days left

Life Starts Here

Life did start there. I love that store almost more than life itself. I miss the wandering days.