I have a decision to make and though I'm pretty sure it's already made I have about a week before I make my final 100% in decision. I'm going to be moving. Not to Nashville yet, I'm not ready for that step quite yet but either back into a friend's house or up north again.

At this point in time the Northwest seems like the best step towards the next 5 years. I want to 1) go to Argentina for 4-6 months and learn photography basics as well as vastly improve my Spanish 2) start my photo career (even if just as a side business at first) 3) move to Nashville or one of the Carolinas and 4) fully invest myself in my career path by the age of 30.

This is the farthest forward I've been able to think EVER in my life. NEVER have I been able to see what I want in the next 5 years. Maybe because I've always thought I had so much time, but time is really not as endless as it seems as a child. Things start catching up, and while I'm not sad to grow older and experience different stages of my life I want to make sure that I appreciate the time I have in each stage. I spent most of my childhood wanting to be older and wiser... now I'm working on taking things as they are.

So Portland or San Diego... I guess the decision will be set in stone by September 6th.

Exciting, scary and definitely anxiety inducing.

Take me to the carnival

I have been thinking a lot the past few days. That's what happens when you give me time off. I'm not sleeping as much as I use to when I had nothing to do. I've actually been some sort of productive which makes me happy. In fact, if I don't get at least one thing done towards getting a new job/figuring out school and career plans I sit at the computer until I have answered a craigslist ad. I don't let myself go to bed.

Today I allowed myself a little nap before I went over to hang out with my siblings (mom's side). I started the day feeding the animals, getting ready for the day, searching craigslist for postings to answer later, going to the temp agency, sending off a book I sold on half.com, getting a sandwich and reading in my car looking at the ocean. Then I took my much needed nap and then went over to the madre's house (which also happens to be where I live when I'm not house sitting for the padre). I walked in the door and started organizing and tidying up. I don't know what has gotten into me since I was younger but I cannot deal with unorganized mess. I started with the pantry then moved to the fridge which took a good amount of time. While I was doing this my lil bro was baking some lemon cupcakes which were delicious. Then I stopped for a minute to go on the computer but I made the mistake of going into a different room that I could organize. I then started going crazy on my sister's desk and finally my mom came in after I worked on the homework desk. I get into crazy cleaning modes where I just can't seem to stop organizing things. I want to throw out as much as possible and leave pretty, uncluttered places. I think it happens most when I don't have complete control over what is going on in my life and I need to somehow sort the thoughts going around in my head. If I organize the things around me maybe I can sort the muddled mess of ideas in my head.

I'm not sure that I figured anything else out in my head tonight but I was productive and sometimes that is all I can ask for. I helped my mom by making things a little cleaner and my lil sis was having a fun time watching (she thinks I'm a tad crazy and so she just laughs).

I don't think there is too much of importance in here but I'm doing my best to get in the habit of updating more often. The more I write the better I feel and I'm not only writing here, I'm writing in my journal. I didn't do that yesterday however and now I feel a tad guilty. I guess there's always tonight.

So sleepy.

A little help please

We Heart It

I have this feeling that my life is getting away from me. I'm going to be 25 my next birthday (which yes, I get it, is still a little over 6 months away) and I'm freaking out. That's my quarter century birthday. Quarter life crisis. I get it, I'm still young, still a baby, la la la blah blah blah... But I'm not. I'm a grown woman. Yes I still have many lessons to learn but I am a grown woman and I am still living with my mom trying to figure out what my next step is. I'm poorer than poor and I have no plan as to how to get out of it. I'm sitting here unemployed and pecking at random jobs on craigslist to make some money. Very few of the ones I apply to are even slightly close to something that kind of resembles what I want to do with my life.

I'm stalling and procrastinating. I feel like when I look to the future it's a black hole. Not a scary black hole but one I can't shine any light in. My mind has had a really hard time grasping the idea of the future for as long as I can remember.

There is some good news though, I do have some definite goals set down... 1) I want to live in Nashville 2) I want to become a photographer 3) I want to get some schooling/certification for photography 4) I want to go to Argentina again for at least a month 5) I want to be fluent in Spanish 6) I want to visit (and maybe live in) one of the Carolinas 7) I want to fall in love at least once 8) I want to fall in love and get married.

This is progress for sure. My future before looked like a scary black hole, now it's a black hole that has some scrambled gray in it... maybe I am finding some light.

When I think about my age my initial reaction is to panic. My heart clenches and my face grows serious and long. It's really hard to overcome that initial reaction. I'm so glad I have things I know I want to do but now comes another messy part, how do I do them. I can plan someone else's day or week or month or possibly even year beautifully but when it comes to mine, forget it past a day or a week. I have such strong mental blocks. I'm pretty sure it's fear that builds that wall I just don't know what to do to break it down.

My mind seems to have a switch off point, any time I start to pursue something I am interested in it shuts down. I all of a sudden don't know how to do or think about the simplest steps. My mind feels empty during times like these, like everything is locked away, or maybe that there are a bunch of locked doors that I am afraid will house empty rooms if I find the key.

What do you do when you come to a place where your brains first reaction is to shut down, bow out and turn away? We don't all handle things the same way but I'm always willing to hear a story of personal conflict resolution.

Must have been the way...

Oh Taylor

This day has been long but it ended well. It started last night, when I came home to my roommates (who I'm not doing well with) drinking and watching the Simpsons. I pretty much have a newfound hatred for Futurama and The Simpsons because of these people. I just don't understand sitting together on a couch Friday night getting drunk and watching shows you could be watching during the week that are not even THAT funny. But that's a rant that I could talk about for a long time and I don't want to get negative.
The point is, looong story short, I wanted to go to bed and my roommates and some other friends were loud and obnoxious and I went to bed feeling a little off so I ended up not being able to sleep well and two hours after laying down with the lights out I had to go downstairs to ask them to turn the music down. I'm sure that made them like me even more. Oh well. So I went back upstairs, made myself eat half a banana because I think my stomach was feeling off because I was hungry. Then I tried to fall asleep. I managed to do just that for about an hour or so but then I woke up to the roommates going to sleep, drunkenly trying to get ready for bed. I woke up and anxiety attack ensued. I had to open my window wide, freeze myself to sanity and then eat the rest of my banana. I slept well after that but had to be up early (for a Saturday) to drop my car off at Toyota.
To my great surprise they gave me a rental car which was great even though I only used it to go straight home and get back into bed.
When I woke it was time to pick up my car, I did that and didn't know what else to do with myself. It was a lonely and depressed feeling day for reasons I couldn't quite pinpoint. I'm not sure if it was leftover emotions being thrown around my head from the night before or if it was the fact that I live in a house I don't ever want to go home to, or a job that drains my energy as soon as I walk in the door because I am trying hard to be grateful for the opportunity but I know deep down that it's not right for me.
Life is so short but so long at the same time. I'm coming up on my quarter century birthday next year and I want to be doing something that I am happy with. I want to be living my quarter life dream. I want my tattoo(s), I want a dog, I want a 1 bedroom apartment, I want to be living in Tennessee. I want to be off of medication, I want to be dancing. I want want want. Is this a lot to want? I want to be making a decent amount of money, an amount that won't have me living paycheck to paycheck and will cover my beautiful puppy's expenses as well as mine. I'm not asking for a lot of extremely luxurious things. Just a little life. I want to be in a town where people are raised to be respectful.

The movie was great. I got off topic. I apologize. Starting point being, I really enjoyed the movie and my dinner of popcorn and candy. I loved Taylor Swift's part in the movie because she's just so obnoxious but so frickin adorable in general. She breaks it down pretty good. I just laughed... out loud just a bit remember the scene.

Did you see it? I understand it's not anywhere up to the level of Love Actually but it's still pretty fantastic. Personal, humble opinion.

<3