New Rule

picture credit: mine all mine :)

Stop listening to the negative nelly that lives in my head. Sure there are many reasons I can't do something but there are tons more, or maybe even just one reason why I can. All I need is one idea that sticks, one path that is right for now. All I need is one person to be my life companion, all I need is one amazing job offer to start saving money AND loving life. Well, I'll continue working on loving life no matter if I have a job, a significant other or an idea but the other parts are very true.

Today I had a me day. I slept in, then did a couple of things for job searches via internet, then got ready slowly while doing more things on internet. When I left the house I went to the post office and ran into a woman that is moving to Nashville. Her mother in law was with her shipping things out and she had glowing review for the place. The woman in line in between us kept going on about how you have to sloooooow your pace down and you could tell that wasn't her kind of life but the woman who lives there was just so happy to call Nashville home. That got me excited again. After that I took myself to the bank and deposited a check then went over to the library to see about a scanner. Unfortunately they were all in use but I found some $1 fast reads in the Friends of the Library bookstore and THEN happened upon what looks to be an amazing, amazing book in the fiction section titled: In the Woman's Room. I read the forwards and just couldn't say no. I checked out the book, paid off my overdue fees and went over to the movie theater for a date with myself. I went and saw Eat Pray Love. I knew it was going to make me feel so inspired and pull up so many feelings of how I need to do something grand like the writer did and I was so right. Julia Roberts plays the part really well, I'm not at all upset by the casting. Delicious movie.

So that's how I came up with my new rule. I left the theater feeling so dreamy but this little nagging feeling kept coming up saying, "Of course you feel dreamy but you know this isn't going to change your life more than any other book or movie has. You always feel like this after a good book or film. Does anything ever happen, no." So that's when I told it and my parents' opinions to shut up.

I've been listening too long to things that people say to make themselves feel better when they are disappointed with their life. I've been listening way too long. I understand that ignorance isn't bliss and that reality does happen but for a little bit I'm going to live in my dream world and see what happens.

I'm going to sit back on the chaise lounge in my mind and take it all in. Yes I'm going to apply to jobs, yes I'm going to work, yes I'm going to continue being responsible. But I'm going to do so in a more relaxed state.

Life happens and I want to enjoy it.

Lost in Higher Thought

Bariloche, Argentina. My favorite view.
Today I spent my time awake shopping and finishing Dharma Punx. I added a nice jacked for cheap to my closet, a beautiful sweater for about 5x the amount of the jacket :/ a watch necklace a couple more colors of tank tops, a nautical blue and white long shirt scrunched at the sides, a 1" curling iron and a beautiful leaf bracelet. I'm a happy, happy girl. My bank account is not as happy. She will survive though. Most things I bought today were items that have been on my mental wish list for a while now.
Oh yes, and in the morning before I left for the shops I finally invested in Suicide Girls: Beauty Redefined. SFC came over last night with her man and we joked about how soon I would have enough books to make up an Sex and Media Library. We talked about how I could get my Masters studying erotica, burlesque, the art of the strip tease etc. I realized later that if I did I would be following in the footsteps of one of my favorite instructors. That wouldn't be such a bad thing to study.

When I came home from a day full of walking and crowds I burrowed under my new comfy blanket and finished the second half of my book. Dharma Punx left me with a feeling similar to the one I had when I was reading Eat, Pray, Love. I am constantly brought back to a 5 second memory of me laying in bed in the basement apartment reading Ishmael for the second time while it was raining outside. My room at the time was a dark cavern, the window covered with an old sheet so people walking by couldn't see down in. I have this feeling of searching for peace and contentment in myself and so I talk to people, I read, I sit and attempt to listen but I have yet to find my path. Ballet was the closest thing that I had to utter devotion. I understand it is not a religion but it is a discipline and I loved it. Sometimes I feel the infinite, the expanse of possibility during a song when beats and chords collide. The place that never fails to leave me feeling full of the infinite is the ocean. In the middle all you can feel is what is around you.

Needless to say I am a little caught up in thought. Mulling things over yet again. I've become obsessed with Buddhism, mindfulness and pilgrimages to foreign countries. I appreciate these peoples' interest in Asia but I know that if I were to go away to work deeper into my mind I would end up back in Argentina. The country has beauty unlike that I have ever seen. I wanted to go back the day I left. Emily Haines of Metric went there to collect herself and wrote the latest album. Brilliant.

I am in love with Anya Marina's cover of "Whatever You Like." I've seen her play it twice while I was working at HOB and then I was shocked to hear it playing during the threesome scene on Gossip Girl. The song has such an erie beauty to it.

I think I'm done with my flowing typing for now. Goodnight.

Sporadic cleaning

Relationships of every kind are so complicated and so simple at the same time. They are always filled with wants. Always. I want someone to stay my friend and not give in to the temptation of a momentary lust. I want people to think before they leap when it comes to things that will affect me. I want people to notice I am angry when I am and admit that they are wrong and foolish. I want, I want, I want.
I go through a plethora of emotions in a matter of 24 hours about a relationship or two. Neither of which involve me romantically. I see romantic relationships second to friendship. But I think I am one of the only ones who actually lives by that though. Others don't think it through past what is right in front of their face. They are unaware that their actions may affect those around them. How I am not sure, but it happens.

I don't want to dwell on this I just had to get it out. I finished Eat Pray Love about ten minutes ago. It is a piece of writing that kept inspiring me the whole way through. I was continually inspired to quit my medication and to finally make the commitment to my own mental health. That is not going to be easy however. Simple yes, but not easy.


Simple vs easy. Always a hard lesson to learn.