Past few days = blur of emotions

Labor day weekend was a blur of emotions for sure. Here's a list of things going on:

Friday-

+ work

+ shop with new friend

+ go dancing

Saturday- 

+ interview with Anthro (another group interview, I wasn't on my A game..don't think I'll hear back :/)

+ take a nap

+ fight with mom during hostile and emotional lunch

+ talk with mom by cars, finally get somewhere

+ get sunburned on chest with oval of white in the middle where necklace is

+ organize whole kitchen with mom when we get home (still looks amazing 4 days later... no small feat)

+ BBQ @ old house with ex roommates and some other friends

Sunday - 

+ Shower and mom surprises me with Starbucks

+ clothes shopping (hit up the most crazy Forever 21 ever)

+ talking talking talking, quality time with mom

+ home and rest for a second

+ Mother Daughter movie date to Going the Distance (SOOOOOOO GOOD! Hilarious!)

Monday -

+ start working on organizing Mom's office (3+ hours)

+ make mom cry but not on purpose or doing anything mean, just residual conflicts to work out

+ agonize over decisions to be made

+ dinner with Brian to sort out feelings, then frozen yogurt (yuuuum)

Needless to say, the weekend was emotionally exhausting but definitely needed. This week and the following weeks before I move are going to be filled with trying my best to make money to get my stuff up to P town.

This organization thing really is working for me, my mom keeps talking about how good I am and so does Brian (we worked on his crazy mess of a garage today for 3 hours).

My mom's going to pay me for the help, Brian is going to give me a percent of the money made for things sold on craigslist and maybe if I get one more person I'll make enough to move. 

Oh goodness I need sleep.

We Heart It

I've been holding a lot inside lately. A lot good, a lot bad, a lot in between. I guess I should get it out but I don't have one good outlet for it all. It's mumbled and jumbled in my head and don't get my wrong, all in all I'm happy but my nights aren't one continuous sleep. When my slumber is interrupted and I have to open a window to get the cold air to clear my head I know I need to let some stuff out. Problem is, I don't.
I'm trying but as I get older and get into new situations it gets harder and harder to find the perfect avenues in which to communicate while keeping everybody happy and guarding secrets as best as I can.

My boyfriend is amazing and I adore him. Things are great. But even a bunch of good feelings can become overwhelming and sometimes when you put things on pedestals they disappoint. Not the fault of the other, just the mistake of placing it so high in the first place.

My room at my new house (moved back in with Mom to pay off the good ol' credit card debt) is so very messy and unorganized and I have no want to do anything to fix it lately. All I want to do is spend time with the new significant other but I haven't really be able to do that either.

I'm sorry, this post seems down, I'm just drained and probably hungry and last week was a whirlwind and this week is recovery and I guess I'm just going to do it one day at a time.

Do I have any other choice?

A missing piece I'm not 100% sure I have room for yet

*source unknown, most likely weheartit

Sometimes this is how I feel. Not that I've lost anybody or that a love is gone, but more so that I just have an empty space where a warm, loving body should be. I'm going to stop their with the sad tone, I don't mean to be sad or melancholy... I'm just thinking. I will be the first to admit my hesitation (to say the least) to commit to anything and more importantly anyone. I'll commit to day plans, or short term jobs. I'll commit to chores (sometimes) or exercise routines but that's about it. I don't always stick books through to the end, my shelves are half filled with books who's beginning pages I have read but then soon put down for one reason or another. My latest huge commitment would have to be my job. I still squirm at least once every two days about committing to a 9-6 job. Not because I don't like what I do, not because I don't like having money and not because I have any other grand plans that I am making myself miss out on. I squirm because I feel confined. I don't mind working and I don't mind having responsibilities, in fact, I feel much better about myself when I am doing something that I consider at least a little challenging to the norm. What frustrates me is that if I wanted to, I could not leave early one day, I could not go take a nap for an hour or two and pick up and start again later. I have to stay the full amount of time regardless of if I have finished my to-dos for the day or even the week.
What does this have to do with the picture, alright, I'm roping myself back in, sorry. So what I mean is, I'm not sad that I don't have a significant other. Well, sometimes I am. Sometimes I feel a pang of emotion that just fills me for a second and leaves me wishing I had found someone I could stand to keep around as more than a friend. But the truth is, I haven't. As much as I would love to find someone I can connect with in many different ways AND be sexually attracted to for more than a month, I just haven't found someone. So that is why there is a space on the side of my bed. That is why I sometimes feel like the space should be occupied by another person instead of me spreading out over both sides.
Sometimes.
But not all the time.
Cuz if there were someone there I wouldn't be able to shift to find the cool spots under the sheets.

Sporadic cleaning

Relationships of every kind are so complicated and so simple at the same time. They are always filled with wants. Always. I want someone to stay my friend and not give in to the temptation of a momentary lust. I want people to think before they leap when it comes to things that will affect me. I want people to notice I am angry when I am and admit that they are wrong and foolish. I want, I want, I want.
I go through a plethora of emotions in a matter of 24 hours about a relationship or two. Neither of which involve me romantically. I see romantic relationships second to friendship. But I think I am one of the only ones who actually lives by that though. Others don't think it through past what is right in front of their face. They are unaware that their actions may affect those around them. How I am not sure, but it happens.

I don't want to dwell on this I just had to get it out. I finished Eat Pray Love about ten minutes ago. It is a piece of writing that kept inspiring me the whole way through. I was continually inspired to quit my medication and to finally make the commitment to my own mental health. That is not going to be easy however. Simple yes, but not easy.


Simple vs easy. Always a hard lesson to learn.