Found here

Dear self,

Be nice please. I understand I've slacked a little (a lot) in job hunting, that I could be filling out more applications/sending more resumes per day but sometimes reality isn't what I want to face.

Please realize that I need a little encouragement from you. We both know that having people on the outside say that what we create is beautiful/creative/etc is wonderful and saying thank you is great but it would really be helpful if you could let me believe it for a second.

We've come to a crossroads here self. We're at the spot where we can continue on the same kind of path we've always gone through or we can pick of the machete that we've found and hack ourselves a new path. The second option of course sounds better, stronger, more noble and courageous but self I have to be honest with you, I won't be able to get through it if I don't get a little help.

We might get a couple miles into the new path but if all I get is criticism about how I could be doing better or cutting brush away faster then I'll just turn back around.

Self, I really, really, really need you to be in this with me. It's scary but it's worth it I think. We are not cut out for the "normal" life. We are definitely meant to do something different.

So can we call a truce? Can we hash out what we don't agree with, or what you feel I'm not up to par with and move forward? I'm going to need you to be breaking down barriers with me, not sinking your heals into the ground while I drag you behind.

I'm glad we had this talk self. It's really important from here on out that we get along for the most part.

Love,

Me

Take me to the carnival

I have been thinking a lot the past few days. That's what happens when you give me time off. I'm not sleeping as much as I use to when I had nothing to do. I've actually been some sort of productive which makes me happy. In fact, if I don't get at least one thing done towards getting a new job/figuring out school and career plans I sit at the computer until I have answered a craigslist ad. I don't let myself go to bed.

Today I allowed myself a little nap before I went over to hang out with my siblings (mom's side). I started the day feeding the animals, getting ready for the day, searching craigslist for postings to answer later, going to the temp agency, sending off a book I sold on half.com, getting a sandwich and reading in my car looking at the ocean. Then I took my much needed nap and then went over to the madre's house (which also happens to be where I live when I'm not house sitting for the padre). I walked in the door and started organizing and tidying up. I don't know what has gotten into me since I was younger but I cannot deal with unorganized mess. I started with the pantry then moved to the fridge which took a good amount of time. While I was doing this my lil bro was baking some lemon cupcakes which were delicious. Then I stopped for a minute to go on the computer but I made the mistake of going into a different room that I could organize. I then started going crazy on my sister's desk and finally my mom came in after I worked on the homework desk. I get into crazy cleaning modes where I just can't seem to stop organizing things. I want to throw out as much as possible and leave pretty, uncluttered places. I think it happens most when I don't have complete control over what is going on in my life and I need to somehow sort the thoughts going around in my head. If I organize the things around me maybe I can sort the muddled mess of ideas in my head.

I'm not sure that I figured anything else out in my head tonight but I was productive and sometimes that is all I can ask for. I helped my mom by making things a little cleaner and my lil sis was having a fun time watching (she thinks I'm a tad crazy and so she just laughs).

I don't think there is too much of importance in here but I'm doing my best to get in the habit of updating more often. The more I write the better I feel and I'm not only writing here, I'm writing in my journal. I didn't do that yesterday however and now I feel a tad guilty. I guess there's always tonight.

So sleepy.

A little help please

We Heart It

I have this feeling that my life is getting away from me. I'm going to be 25 my next birthday (which yes, I get it, is still a little over 6 months away) and I'm freaking out. That's my quarter century birthday. Quarter life crisis. I get it, I'm still young, still a baby, la la la blah blah blah... But I'm not. I'm a grown woman. Yes I still have many lessons to learn but I am a grown woman and I am still living with my mom trying to figure out what my next step is. I'm poorer than poor and I have no plan as to how to get out of it. I'm sitting here unemployed and pecking at random jobs on craigslist to make some money. Very few of the ones I apply to are even slightly close to something that kind of resembles what I want to do with my life.

I'm stalling and procrastinating. I feel like when I look to the future it's a black hole. Not a scary black hole but one I can't shine any light in. My mind has had a really hard time grasping the idea of the future for as long as I can remember.

There is some good news though, I do have some definite goals set down... 1) I want to live in Nashville 2) I want to become a photographer 3) I want to get some schooling/certification for photography 4) I want to go to Argentina again for at least a month 5) I want to be fluent in Spanish 6) I want to visit (and maybe live in) one of the Carolinas 7) I want to fall in love at least once 8) I want to fall in love and get married.

This is progress for sure. My future before looked like a scary black hole, now it's a black hole that has some scrambled gray in it... maybe I am finding some light.

When I think about my age my initial reaction is to panic. My heart clenches and my face grows serious and long. It's really hard to overcome that initial reaction. I'm so glad I have things I know I want to do but now comes another messy part, how do I do them. I can plan someone else's day or week or month or possibly even year beautifully but when it comes to mine, forget it past a day or a week. I have such strong mental blocks. I'm pretty sure it's fear that builds that wall I just don't know what to do to break it down.

My mind seems to have a switch off point, any time I start to pursue something I am interested in it shuts down. I all of a sudden don't know how to do or think about the simplest steps. My mind feels empty during times like these, like everything is locked away, or maybe that there are a bunch of locked doors that I am afraid will house empty rooms if I find the key.

What do you do when you come to a place where your brains first reaction is to shut down, bow out and turn away? We don't all handle things the same way but I'm always willing to hear a story of personal conflict resolution.

My New Favorite Show

I started watching this show yesterday. Pilot episode. I ended the show tonight with the season finale. Yes, I went through all of the episodes in about 24 hours while also sleeping, eating and taking care of the doggies as well as writing for a bit and gathering information for my next steps in life.

The show is actually amazing, it hooks you because it doesn't let you know very much. It's one big tease and it's infuriating and wonderful at the same time. The actors are surprisingly convincing for an abc family show.

I cannot wait until the next season starts, I might have to read the books instead.

Have you seen it? Did you enjoy it? Did you want the love that shouldn't happen to happen even though in real life you'd totally be against it? Me too. It's quite interesting to see how these tv shows can manipulate my black and white opinions into shades of gray. Veeery interesting.

This I Love

Katy Perry - New Music - More Music Videos

Wildly inspired to run free and go a little crazy when I listen to this song. The music video fits it perfectly. For once I saw a montage of driving along the coast when I listened to the song and then saw the same thing in the video.

I'll probably stop listening to the radio in about a week so that this song won't get played out for me.

Darn radio.

Mad Men, a first look

Vanity Fair

I love the style and seduction that the show girls of older times used. The slow way they would take off a glove, finger tip by finger tip. Absolutely gorgeous. I love the classic style, the curves, the simple things that women did to rile people up. It had to be a little more subtle, otherwise they wouldn't be considered even slightly classy.

I'm not impressed by the way kids are running around with plastic bags over their heads, being admonished for throwing the clothes on the floor. Then the pregnant woman smoking and drinking cup after cup of coffee while talking about a divorcee that moved in down the street and how it's going bring down the value of the houses.

This is only my first watch but I feel angry and intrigued at the same time.

Another bit of permanent body art inspiration

A Little Lark

I found this while shopping in a bookstore on the Haight in San Francisco (which I have yet to write about, bad me). I fell in love but had already spent waaaaay too much on a gorgeous dress (or two, maybe even three) and so I typed the website into my blackberry and saved it for another day.

endnote: I love accents, especially british ones