Starting the new month by finishing up the last one

a source is a source

So I finished the 30 day of truths on the first day of the new month. Probably not exactly how it was suppose to go but it's definitely a me move. Now I need to figure out what to do for this month. Something fun for sure! Wednesdays are now going to be dedicated to a little munchkin I have the ultimate pleasure of babysitting one day a week so look forward to that... until my next project comes to mind here are the last of my 30 truths.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

That is quite a loaded question isn't it. The answer to that is the deciding factor for psychs to call the even higher professionals. Dangerous, dangerous questions. It's a shame it is such a loaded question. I honestly feel like every person has questioned the point of the day to day and year to year at least once in their life. It may have been because a boyfriend/girlfriend dumped them or it may be because they were fired and evicted on the same day with no where to go and no one to talk to. Everybody hits a low. We don't all hit the same depth of low but we all hit our lows and existence has to be questioned. 

Yes I've thought about giving up. I thought about giving up in a way that left me in a floating calm middle. As I would ride the bus on the bridge over the river into downtown I would wonder what it would be like to jump. I always imagined a moment of peace when submerged in water (after the first shock of slamming into the surface wore off). I always knew however, that the sense of calm I imaged would never happen. The water would never be the perfect temperature, it would never hold the comfort I imagined floating in the middle would. There would be gross things bumping into me, it would be icy cold and so uncomfortable I would know without a doubt I was still alive. 

Why did I think about this every day for at least a month? Because I was tired of hearing myself think. I was tired of being on edge, I was tired and fed up with not being able to understand my frequent breakdowns or intense need to be out of my own skin. 

It was a time when I was hurting myself a bit because it was a momentary relief and the raised skin was a reminder. I didn't cut myself, never drew blood, never left marks, bumps or bruises that would become permanent but I did use my own nails to scratch red trails down my arms so I could feel something. It sounds so cliche but I don't know how else to write it. I just felt an intense pressure to do something but I didn't know what that something was. 

Thus far, that was the darkest place I've been mentally. In retrospect and in comparison to others in the world it seems minimal, trivial really. I'm so glad my psych and others didn't treat it as such though. I needed attention that I'd been trying to hide from for so long. 

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

My living situation. I live with the most awesome married couple (both my friends from my previous job) and their baby. I'm in love with this baby which doesn't ever happen to me. I ohh and ahhh like others when babies come around but this is the only one I've wanted to stay with me when mommy comes by to take him away. I get to babysit that bundle of awesomeness once a week and then I chill with him whenever I want for the rest of the week (keeping in mind his sleeping schedules and such). I never thought I'd live in this part of SD but I really do love it. I just found the grocery store tonight. Good times. 

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

I had to end a friendship over reactions to answers to this question. She had one strong opinion that I respected but didn't agree with and she wouldn't let it go. 

Honestly I can't say what I would do. I'm taking precautions to keep that from happening but if accidents happened and s hit the fan I don't know what I would do. It would depend A LOT on who I was with and if it was serious and how I felt about them being a dad and how they felt about being a dad etc. Knee jerk reaction is that I'd say goodbye real fast to the collection of cells that decided to stick when I wasn't ready but life is circumstantial.

***Whether you agree or not with my answer I hope, hope, hope you see that I'm trying to be respectful and honest of other people's opinions and life situations. This month called for truths and so here I am, broaching a subject I normally wouldn't on my blog.***

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I want to become better about making decisions. I want to also become better at not second guessing myself. If I don't second guess then I will be better at making more decisions.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Dear Me,

I'm so tired right now but today has been a good day, and good days are when it's easier for me to tell you what I love about us. I love our hair, our eyes, our ability to make so many expressions that people find uncommon and easy to remember. I love our courage when we have it, our compassion, our ability to guess what comes next for friends and family. I love that we don't believe in living the normal. I love our ability to make friends and keep them. I love our random attention to detail and our ability to take naps just about any time.

I love our memory for silly details and our ability to absorb information fast fast fast. I figure there is a lot more I love about us, but I'm sleepy and inspired by another project.

So for now, dear me... I love you and goodnight.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Almost at the end of the month of truths

weheartit

Day 20: My views on drugs and alcohol...
Oh my goodness, such a good thing I didn't answer this while straight edge. I still don't like the idea of drugs and alcohol for myself but I'm definitely not as intense about it. I drink every once in a while. I'll sip on some champagne or a beer (that's very rare) and even more rarely I'll get a vodka drink. I always drive when I go out so I don't really get drinks at bars. Let's be real, I don't really go to bars often at all. Basically my views are: do as you wish I'm just not going to participate much at all, and if it's drugs not at all.


Day 21: My best friend gets in an accident and we got in a fight before it happened...
I would cry. A lot. I would cry and hope that she made it through. There's no specification of how bad the crash or injuries are but I'm assuming that this question is hinting that the outcome is pretty bleak. I would apologize profusely or if it was something I got mad at her about I would say it didn't matter then. 


Day 22: Something I wish I hadn't done in my life...
I don't like to go back and regret things. If find it pretty useless. When people regret they often like to forget about what happened and then they end up repeating the actions or doing similar actions in the future. I just stopped myself from repeating a common mistake I make. The good thing is I'm learning from everything that I've done.


Day 23: Something I wish I had done in my life...
Taken more art classes in high school and college. Also, I wish I had gone on my year trip to Spain. Thinking about it thoroughly I can see that I probably would have gone through my anxiety and depression there that happened in Portland but when I pretend that none of that would have happened I wish I had gone. But like I said before, you learn from everything you do and don't do, so here's to the future.


Day 24: 
Dear future husband,


This will be our song.
Such Great Heights - The Postal Service


Love,
Your Future Wife


Day 25: The reason I believe I am still alive today.
I find this one to be a little strange. I don't think I've been in any life threatening situations so I believe I am still alive today because I am waaaay too cautious and I have great parents.


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Oh goodness I got behind!

Day 19

Day 13- A band or artist that got me through tough days...
This is so hard. Honestly I listen to so much music that there isn't one band that has gotten me through hard times. So I'll write a letter to all.


Dear bands dear to my heart,
I love love love you. Like you've heard from gushing fans who run into you at inopportune times I love your work and you've made a huge impact on my life. Seriously. I appreciate that you are just humans however and most likely unless we have friends in common I'm going to leave you alone and just watch from the venue floor and leave and think of how wonderful a performance the show was. If you purposely make yourself accessible to say hi then I might depending on if I'm feeling super shy that day or not.
In closing, I love love love your work.
I've probably thought about sleeping with you because you're magical. Truth is I probably won't because sleeping with or even dating touring band guys (or girls) is a lot of heart ache waiting to happen. So I'll just play pretend.
I'm done being creepy.
Love, 
C


Day 14-A hero that has let me down
Oh man, I KNOW I have one of these. A person I became so disappointed in when they fell from grace. I can't remember any at the moment which is quite unfortunate.


Dear possible heros,
I understand that you are human and that sometimes even you make mistakes. Most are forgivable. If you're sleeping with someone under 18 and you are over 20 I'm not excusing it. If you molest or rape I cannot mentally forgive or forget. If you end up in rehab or get caught with your panties off I'll get over it. We all have fashion mishaps, we all get bad haircuts and we all say things we don't always mean. 
So heroes, please keep doing great things to make me look up to you and I'll try to keep you off a pedestal made of unreasonable expectations.
Love,
C


Day 15- Something (or someone) I couldn't live without
Let's be realistic here, there are very few things that we need to physically survive. Water, food and enough mobility to find shelter or make it in some way. I would say that a hard thing for me to live without if I had to would be showers. Or blankets. BLANKETS! I can't sleep without being somewhat covered. Summer is hard on me most of the time because it's hot and I have to sleep in shorts and a light shirt at the least AND have a semi heavy blanket on me, a sheet doesn't cut it. I know it seems a little strange but a blanket is something I would have a VERY hard time functioning without.


Day 16- Something/someone I COULD live without
There are so many things or someones that I could live without. I could live without people who have a diva attitude, who automatically think they are better than me because of how long they have been somewhere or their position in something. I am usually pretty easy to get along with but when I see the possibility of a diva attitude I instantly get a bit colder. I don't play nice with people like that. 


Day 17 - A book I've read that changed my views on something:
Ishmael. 100% this book is one I reread every couple of years. It made me continue questioning the idea of faith and Christianity. It made me think more about why I ate meat (when I did) and it just made me think about the world and how it functions on a totally different level. I love this book SO MUCH! I think some people have a hard time with the talking gorilla aspect of it but I don't because since I've been little I've always had an overactive imagination, one that has a hard time labeling just about anything as impossible. The book doesn't say anything about becoming a vegetarian, it was just the piece of sand that turned into that pearl for me. 


Day 18- My views on gay marriage
All for it and then some! I don't like shotgun weddings for any couple and I really don't like how high the divorce rate is but if two people (man/man, woman/woman, woman/man) love each other and want to celebrate their love in a way that the straights have been doing for centuries then GO FOR IT! Who am I to say someone can't? No I don't think it ruins the idea of marriage. You know what does ruin the idea of marriage? I'll tell you... people getting married after knowing each other for a few months and then getting divorced a year later because it just wasn't what they thought it was going to be. Celebrities that jump from one person to another. People that get divorced instead of really trying to make a marriage and a promise work. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against divorce completely. The option definitely needs to be there to keep people safe. Sometimes people really do change directions in what they want and being together just doesn't make sense anymore. Sometimes a dad and a mom are definitely better off in separate houses for the kids' sake. But there are a lot of divorces that happen because people think love and marriage is suppose to be easy and come naturally. Making a relationship work is not easy, even if it's really strong. So yes, let people marry!


Day 19 - What do I think of religion? What do I think of politics?
Mind controlling bullshit is what I think it's come to be mostly. Yes I think there are positive aspects of religion and yes I think some people are living it right but for the most part it's causing a lot of problems and has ALWAYS ended in masses dead. When is everyone going to realize that there are some very basic principles in most if not all religions? Aren't we suppose to let the "creator" judge? Why are we doing suicide bombings or stoning people to death or ostracizing people for who they love? Why? Is that putting sunshine and roses in anybody's life or heart? No. You know what does? Compassion and love and helpful deeds. 
And then there is politics. I want to spit on the idea of modern day politics and how our country is being run to the ground by people that are SO STUCK in the common way of doing things and so scared of letting go of the title  of "World Power" that they dig the ditch deeper. I thought we were suppose to be a smart country, I thought we were suppose to have a lot of different ideas that didn't bend to bribes. I thought politicians were suppose to be held liable for what they say they are going to do? What happened to that? Instead they decide the main issues for every voting time and we forget about other issues that may very well be more important. Liberal, Conservative, Communist, Socialist, Fascist...the lines are SO blurred and people keep calling whatever they don't consider themselves to be monsters. Honestly it doesn't seem like any group has gotten it perfect yet now have they? 


And so ends another episode of 30 days of truths. Do come back again!






Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself