That is quite a loaded question isn't it. The answer to that is the deciding factor for psychs to call the even higher professionals. Dangerous, dangerous questions. It's a shame it is such a loaded question. I honestly feel like every person has questioned the point of the day to day and year to year at least once in their life. It may have been because a boyfriend/girlfriend dumped them or it may be because they were fired and evicted on the same day with no where to go and no one to talk to. Everybody hits a low. We don't all hit the same depth of low but we all hit our lows and existence has to be questioned.
Yes I've thought about giving up. I thought about giving up in a way that left me in a floating calm middle. As I would ride the bus on the bridge over the river into downtown I would wonder what it would be like to jump. I always imagined a moment of peace when submerged in water (after the first shock of slamming into the surface wore off). I always knew however, that the sense of calm I imaged would never happen. The water would never be the perfect temperature, it would never hold the comfort I imagined floating in the middle would. There would be gross things bumping into me, it would be icy cold and so uncomfortable I would know without a doubt I was still alive.
Why did I think about this every day for at least a month? Because I was tired of hearing myself think. I was tired of being on edge, I was tired and fed up with not being able to understand my frequent breakdowns or intense need to be out of my own skin.
It was a time when I was hurting myself a bit because it was a momentary relief and the raised skin was a reminder. I didn't cut myself, never drew blood, never left marks, bumps or bruises that would become permanent but I did use my own nails to scratch red trails down my arms so I could feel something. It sounds so cliche but I don't know how else to write it. I just felt an intense pressure to do something but I didn't know what that something was.
Thus far, that was the darkest place I've been mentally. In retrospect and in comparison to others in the world it seems minimal, trivial really. I'm so glad my psych and others didn't treat it as such though. I needed attention that I'd been trying to hide from for so long.
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
My living situation. I live with the most awesome married couple (both my friends from my previous job) and their baby. I'm in love with this baby which doesn't ever happen to me. I ohh and ahhh like others when babies come around but this is the only one I've wanted to stay with me when mommy comes by to take him away. I get to babysit that bundle of awesomeness once a week and then I chill with him whenever I want for the rest of the week (keeping in mind his sleeping schedules and such). I never thought I'd live in this part of SD but I really do love it. I just found the grocery store tonight. Good times.
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
I had to end a friendship over reactions to answers to this question. She had one strong opinion that I respected but didn't agree with and she wouldn't let it go.
Honestly I can't say what I would do. I'm taking precautions to keep that from happening but if accidents happened and s hit the fan I don't know what I would do. It would depend A LOT on who I was with and if it was serious and how I felt about them being a dad and how they felt about being a dad etc. Knee jerk reaction is that I'd say goodbye real fast to the collection of cells that decided to stick when I wasn't ready but life is circumstantial.
***Whether you agree or not with my answer I hope, hope, hope you see that I'm trying to be respectful and honest of other people's opinions and life situations. This month called for truths and so here I am, broaching a subject I normally wouldn't on my blog.***
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
I want to become better about making decisions. I want to also become better at not second guessing myself. If I don't second guess then I will be better at making more decisions.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Dear Me,
I'm so tired right now but today has been a good day, and good days are when it's easier for me to tell you what I love about us. I love our hair, our eyes, our ability to make so many expressions that people find uncommon and easy to remember. I love our courage when we have it, our compassion, our ability to guess what comes next for friends and family. I love that we don't believe in living the normal. I love our ability to make friends and keep them. I love our random attention to detail and our ability to take naps just about any time.
I love our memory for silly details and our ability to absorb information fast fast fast. I figure there is a lot more I love about us, but I'm sleepy and inspired by another project.
So for now, dear me... I love you and goodnight.
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
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