a bit of a downer

Today was a bit of a downer. My face was rubbed in my lack of money, and I once again realized that I have a college degree and have made no move to do anything with it nor do I have any idea of what I could/would/should do with it.

Anything I've accomplished or done in my life seems really insignificant. I feel really untalented and basically useless overall. I feel like an incredible burden with nothing to offer. I don't know what I want to do, I don't know what skills I have to sell, I don't know how to find a job (mission) that challenges me and keeps me wanting to wake up every morning.

I feel incredibly lost right now and it doesn't help that a member of my family (who has great influence on how I think and feel about myself) says such negative things. It doesn't matter how many nice things other people say, my self measurements were set by him really early in life and I'm doubting I'll find the happiness I'm looking for unless I somehow get rid of his rubric and find my own. I've been through this mental fight over and over and over again and I can't fix anything, when I think of things like "what do I want to do" or "what am I good at" my mind becomes a black void. Imagine a subject you never grasped fully in school, remember that total feeling of empty space, the feeling of logic scrambling in the space where your brain is... that's how I feel when I try to find something positive about myself. My brain shuts down after it kicks the crap out of itself for too long.  The best part is, I always protect the ones that are hardest on me. I say, "oh no, maybe they were right. Maybe I should have tried harder to be a three legged superhero with wings." Obviously this is not possible unless we're talking about Halloween costumes, but for weeks, months possibly even years I will continue to feel like a failure because I couldn't be the success (three legged superhero with wings) that they wanted me to be.

Basically I'm moneyless, car-less, boyfriendless and talentless. I've been told since a very young age that I have no resolve, that I don't stick with things. In all fairness I haven't stuck with any idea very long... but is that because I was told when I quit one thing that I was forever going to quit everything else?

I'm really pathetic right now and feel incredibly stupid because I can't find my own answers. How smart am I? I can't find my own answers, I can't figure out what to do.

The only thing I have going for me right now is my living situation. Unicorn Sparkles, Señor Brows and Baby Brows make me smile even when I'm feeling incredibly shitty. For a second I can forget.

Where is that moment in the movie where I have an epiphany and I know what I have to do to fix myself? I could really use something right now.

There are many many times where against my better judgement I wonder if ignorance really is bliss.